There's a dirty secret of Mommyhood that's rarely spoken out loud. Well, before the popularity of Mommy-Blogs it was rarely spoken of, but now people talk about it more often if you know where to look...
At the end of the day I always find myself wondering, "Was I enough?" Did I play enough? Did I teach him enough? Did I discipline enough or too much? Did I satisfy his needs? Did I satisfy enough of his wants? Is it my fault that he can't *insert whatever*?
People don't talk about it enough. Most Mommy Blogs highlight the fun times. The trips to the zoo/park/school. The playdates. The activity sheets. Some moms let you in ever so briefly only to shower the blog with all the good moments again. I'm not saying be a downer or anything, but we need to be honest with each other.
Ever since the visit with Early Intervention I've been blaming myself. Maybe if I'd taken him to more playgroups he'd pretend more. Maybe if I'd worked with him more often he'd be on track for language. Maybe if I hadn't had the epidural and pain medication things would be different. Maybe if I'd listened to myself sooner we could be past this already. Maybe if I left them with babysitters or a day program I wouldn't get overwhelmed so easily.
You could drive yourself crazy listening to all of the maybes.
I feel guilty when I have to choose between children. That's the other thing people don't mention when the other child comes into the picture: Sometimes you have to put one child ahead of the other. Sometimes it's obvious: Franklin wants milk and Jonathan needs a diaper change. That one's easy. But what about when they both want/need attention and there isn't a clear winner? Or when it's easier to play with the baby because he hasn't spent the day acting out? Those are the REALLY HARD moments. Those are the moments that break your heart. Those are the moments that you lay awake at night replaying in your head wondering "What if I'd chosen differently?"
On my Pandora station right now there's a song playing that is touching my heart even as I type this. It's called "Hold My Heart" by 10th Avenue North.