Thursday, July 21, 2011

Hindsight

Hindsight is always 20/20...

I realize now that it was there the second he was born.

- The nurses thought it was odd that he didn't cry when he got his vitamin K shot at birth.
- They had to MAKE him cry to get his Apgar. 
- He didn't flinch when they did his PKU stick.

I joked that he was tough like his Daddy.

- He fought being swaddled...he HAD to have his hands free. (At a day old)
- He would only sleep facedown on my chest....until he got older and was so heavy I couldn't breathe. 
- The only way to get sleep in chunks longer than 30mins was to have him in bed next to me. Even then he only slept an hour at a time...until 6 months and he "graduated" to 2 hours at a time.

I'm justified it by saying that I'm not a good sleeper and poor thing must have inherited my insomnia.

- If we went out to eat it couldn't be busy...and God Help Me if someone had a birthday. We'd have to eat fast or the screaming would start.
- He spent most of his life diaperless because a wet diaper meant screaming bloody murder.
- I would spend hours on my feet walking or hours in the glider rocking because it was the only way he would nap.

I learned about "high needs" kids and saw a lot of my son in it.

- He falls down and I hold my breath...will he laugh and shrug it off or will this be a screaming fit?
- I have to wipe his hands numerous times during dinner...he falls and gets dirt on his hands and screams until you wipe them off. 

He's quirky. He's unique.

- Night-weaning takes a month. A month of no sleep and screaming for hours. 
- Nothing helps him sleep...I do EVERYTHING that's suggested to me...routine/no routine, noise machine, dark room, aromatherapy...and bedtime is still an hour of screaming. Or...
- We let him sit on the couch until 10pm when he passes out sitting up. 

High Needs. Spirited. Insomnia. That's it, right?

- He jumps off the couch and crashes to the floor. That can't be comfortable and it sure isn't safe. And try as I might I can't.make.him.stop.
- There are no clean bottles and I try to give him milk in a cup. He starts screaming hysterically. This goes on for at least 10mins...I even wash a bottle and fill it with milk but by then he's too far gone. His breathing is ragged, he's gagging, he's bright red...I cry with him because it's painful to watch.

My depression gets worse. My anxiety goes up. I frequently sit in the shower and cry because deep down I know that something isn't right.


Now I know...something WASN'T right. He has Sensory Processing Disorder. It's actually pretty mild...but when you're in the middle of things it doesn't seem like it.

So when you see the kid screaming in the high chair, see the mom updating Facebook again about how overwhelmed she is, or hear the kid screaming in the grocery store don't judge. I'm doing the very best I can.

2 comments:

  1. I'm so glad that you posted this, I'm not glad that you're dealing with it but I wish more people would get the message to stop judging parents. Like we want to grocery shop with a screaming kid, believe me if I could make him stop I would. My son does not have SPD but is so similar. I used to joke he has OCD as an infant. Everything had to be just so and if you messed it up there would be hell to pay. He slept in 90 minute spurts in my arms or my bed and you better not breathe too hard and wake him up. When he was learning to walk if he fell down he refused to get back up and it was 30 minutes of him crying in my arms. He is very "spirited" and high needs and strong willed with just a nano-second worth of patience for anything. I do see now as he's getting more independent at 2 things are getting a little better, but man those temper tantrums are wicked. Just remember what you wrote, you are doing the best you can and don't let others try to make you feel bad.

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  2. I never noticed my son's sensory processing issues until much later, and looking back it is the same as seeing that yes he has had that milk allergy since he was born.

    Did my son sleep with me until this summer, because it was easier than the trauma? You betcha. You pick your battles, and each day you move forward or back dependent on their needs. Hugs to you mama!

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