Tuesday, October 2, 2012

First Time For Everything

There are some firsts that you don't remember. Chances are that you don't remember your first word, your first step, or your first food. Your first day of school or your first crush are probably fuzzy.

There are some things I remember with startling clarity. Even though stress and sleep deprivation have taken several memories from me there are a few things that stick out.

I remember my first encounter with eating disorders. It was a magazine. Teen Magazine to be exact. They'd done an article where they interviewed girls with various EDs. Joshua Jackson was on the cover. I remember because I kept it for years out of some weird sentimental notion. I remember thinking "I like food too much to stop eating. There's no way I could make myself throw up. I hate throwing up." I remember feeling SORRY for these girls and knowing that I'd never succumb to that. Well I did a few months later.

My first encounter with self harm was also a magazine. That one doesn't stick out as clearly but it was around the same time. They'd interviewed a girl that was a recovering cutter. Her first cut was an accident if I recall correctly. Around the same time I knew a guy that drunkenly tried to commit suicide by cutting his arm open (the vein he could see was his goal). The next time I got overwhelmed with anxiety/depression/meltdown I remembered both of these things.

I also remember too clearly the first time I let my boyfriend hurt my soul. He'd found out that I'd fooled around with someone else BEFORE he and I became official (not something I'm proud of by any means but it's the truth). This was after we broke up and he called to confront me and ended up screaming at me through the phone. What he screamed isn't appropriate for this blog but it was profanity with a few degrading terms thrown in. I stood in my room and stared in my mirror and cried and nodded and AGREED WITH HIM because I still loved him. I relied on HIS feelings about me to determine how *I* felt about me.

There are some good firsts that I remember too. I remember the first time Stefan told me he loved me. I remember the first time I looked into his eyes and knew he didn't judge me for my past. Those are firsts that I'm glad I remember.

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