Thursday, January 17, 2013

Guilt

I'm feeling a bit guilty today. I know I shouldn't, but I am.

Recently I decided I will NOT be fostering any more dogs until I get my own stuff under control. That hasn't stopped me from checking out the page on Facebook occasionally...

The other day there was a dog that was "my kind" of dog. Older (2-3), Shepherd Mix, Docile, etc... Normally that is the exact dog that I snatch up to foster. But I held back because I CAN'T handle it right now.

I checked back the next day and he got put down.

I know it's not REALLY my fault. I'm not his owner. It isn't up to me to save all the dogs of San Antonio. However, there's that evil little voice in my head that says "You could have saved him."

Thankfully I started my medication yesterday...so these kinds of thoughts will hopefully stop.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Temporary Insanity

Tomorrow I finally go to the doctor about my anxiety issues. This post doesn't need to turn into a discussion about whether or not anxiety is real OR a discussion on why medication isn't the answer. I'm going. I'm trying medication. Period. I did the research and I'd rather deal with dry mouth and headaches than crippling anxiety.

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately.

I want my business to grow but I'm having trouble making time to work that isn't 10pm.

I want to finish my novel but I have the WORST case of writer's block. I stare at a blank screen far too often and that isn't writing the 50,000 words I need. The story is bare bones, novella length right now. I don't want to think that this is the end.

One "fear" I have with overcoming my anxiety is that it will kill my muse forever and I'll never be creative again. Stefan is okay with that (he'd rather I be unpublished and sane) but it's a rough thought.

I'm still trying to find myself. You'd think at almost 26 I'd be somewhat sure of myself, what I like, who I am, etc...but I'm not. I know that people evolve and change, but it's weird and sort of scary.

I need to be more organized. I need my FAMILY to be more organized. I'm sure I wrecked someone's entire day on Sunday when she was just trying to help me all because I didn't double check something. I'm STILL kicking myself because it was a simple, stupid mistake. The experience was a huge splash of cold water and is the reason I won't be fostering any more dogs until I get my own stuff in order.

Sometimes I'm afraid my children will end up just as crazy as I am.

I'm afraid to make friends. I make acquaintances and I'm surprisingly okay with that. True friends means letting your guard down and letting people into those scary places inside yourself. I can't do that. I believe that my husband is the only person that knows me 100%. I have different sets of "friends" that know different things about me, but no one knows everything. That is the way I like it.

Depressing. Anxiety Inducing. Crazy Ramblings over.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year!!

It's time for that inevitable list of New Year's Resolutions! Are you tired of reading all of these on your blogs yet?

I have a few fitness based ones but those will go on my fitness blog instead.

Here's to 2013!

1. Finish Writing My Book
I participated in NaNoWriMo this year and got a huge chunk of my book written. I've decided to actually pursue finishing it. I read a few things that got publishes recently (namely 50 Shades) and thought to myself "if THAT got published then why don't I try?"

2. Send Agent Queries
This goes along with number one.

3. Have an Organized Home
Isn't this one of those super common ones? I need it. I'm losing my MIND over here with the clutter.

4. Try Something New Each Month
This can be a new food, new recipe, new exercise, or even just a new menu item at my favorite restaurant. I'm avoiding getting stuck in a rut this year.

5. Blog Weekly
You're excited about that one, I'm sure.

6. Read Scripture Daily
Even just one verse...


Do you have any rockin' resolutions? Share with me!!

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