GUILTy Party

Guilt. We've all dealt with it...some of us to greater degrees than others.

Honestly, every therapist/counselor I've ever visited asks the same question at some point in our sessions... "Have you felt guilt about anything lately?" It's rude to burst out laughing (and it makes me look crazy) but I always end up making a scoffing noise of some kind. Why? Because I'm one of those people that seems to carry guilt around constantly.

It's not just over the big things. I remember little mistakes I made, lies I told, etc from many many years ago. They'll rear their ugly heads randomly and I'll get a wash of guilt.

Well last night this little acronym came to me. It's a simple way to change focus in the moment. So, the next time you feel like the GUILTy Party just remember...

G od
U nderstands
I' m
L ess
T han
-
P erfect

It's not an exact matchup to the letters but it works. I vow to try to use it this week anytime guilt rises in me. I want you to do the same.

Medicated American...and Proud.

I have officially been a Medicated American for over a month now.

And I'm darn proud of it.

My anxiety is much more manageable. Yes, I still get overwhelmed but I hear that's normal. I don't get overwhelmed and then spiral into a vast pit of despair. I don't freak out when the kids freak out. I haven't had chest pains in WEEKS.

My dreams are WEIRD but that's okay. I've gotten a few creative plots written down for future use thanks to odd dream sequences. My creativity is back up.

I only had a few weeks of adjustment issues. For about 2 weeks everything tasted bland. I think that was the one symptom I wasn't prepared to handle. I could only eat spicy things for that period...and then I got my wisdom teeth removed shortly thereafter. It's been a funny time diet wise.

My PMDD hasn't been as bad this month. I'm only symptomatic a few days before starting my cycle as opposed to the usual 10. 3-4 days of a short temper and junk food cravings? Totally tolerable!


I know a lot of people disagree with medication...but it is one of the best decisions I've made lately. I feel like a better parent. I can ACTUALLY PARENT instead of just reacting to my surroundings. It's wonderful. I feel wonderful.

My Wisdom on Wisdom Teeth

HA! I'm in the mood for a cheesy title.

Recently I finally got my wisdom teeth removed...a good 10 years after being told I needed them out.

That's right. My teeth were SIDEWAYS in my head. 

The surgery itself wasn't so bad. My advice if you're doing Twilight Sedation? TAKE MUSIC. I put a bunch of music on my phone and popped in a headphone right before I went under. I remember little bits of the surgery (burning from the lidocaine and a few unpleasant sounds) but I mostly remember music. The surgeon and nurses thought it was an awesome idea...so I highly recommend it.

Recovery, on the other hand, was not as a great an experience...

I was prepared for the swelling and general discomfort

My sweet boys.

I wasn't prepared for the bruising.

I swear, officer, it wasn't me in that bar fight.

I also wasn't prepared to get DRY SOCKET.

I did everything right and got it anyway. It turns out, lower impacted wisdom teeth usually get it no matter what you do.

Which means this made up the bulk of my diet for over a week.

No matter how many smoothie recipes you know...you get tired of smoothies. 

I also discovered that this is a discovery I put up there with FIRE for awesomeness and importance.

It tastes like death but it numbs.

I'm finally on the mend. I don't need pain meds like candy. The pain is downgraded to "hurts when it gets poked" instead of "constant throbbing."

That's where I've been the last week and a half. Whew. I'm glad it's over!!

Guilt

I'm feeling a bit guilty today. I know I shouldn't, but I am.

Recently I decided I will NOT be fostering any more dogs until I get my own stuff under control. That hasn't stopped me from checking out the page on Facebook occasionally...

The other day there was a dog that was "my kind" of dog. Older (2-3), Shepherd Mix, Docile, etc... Normally that is the exact dog that I snatch up to foster. But I held back because I CAN'T handle it right now.

I checked back the next day and he got put down.

I know it's not REALLY my fault. I'm not his owner. It isn't up to me to save all the dogs of San Antonio. However, there's that evil little voice in my head that says "You could have saved him."

Thankfully I started my medication yesterday...so these kinds of thoughts will hopefully stop.

Temporary Insanity

Tomorrow I finally go to the doctor about my anxiety issues. This post doesn't need to turn into a discussion about whether or not anxiety is real OR a discussion on why medication isn't the answer. I'm going. I'm trying medication. Period. I did the research and I'd rather deal with dry mouth and headaches than crippling anxiety.

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately.

I want my business to grow but I'm having trouble making time to work that isn't 10pm.

I want to finish my novel but I have the WORST case of writer's block. I stare at a blank screen far too often and that isn't writing the 50,000 words I need. The story is bare bones, novella length right now. I don't want to think that this is the end.

One "fear" I have with overcoming my anxiety is that it will kill my muse forever and I'll never be creative again. Stefan is okay with that (he'd rather I be unpublished and sane) but it's a rough thought.

I'm still trying to find myself. You'd think at almost 26 I'd be somewhat sure of myself, what I like, who I am, etc...but I'm not. I know that people evolve and change, but it's weird and sort of scary.

I need to be more organized. I need my FAMILY to be more organized. I'm sure I wrecked someone's entire day on Sunday when she was just trying to help me all because I didn't double check something. I'm STILL kicking myself because it was a simple, stupid mistake. The experience was a huge splash of cold water and is the reason I won't be fostering any more dogs until I get my own stuff in order.

Sometimes I'm afraid my children will end up just as crazy as I am.

I'm afraid to make friends. I make acquaintances and I'm surprisingly okay with that. True friends means letting your guard down and letting people into those scary places inside yourself. I can't do that. I believe that my husband is the only person that knows me 100%. I have different sets of "friends" that know different things about me, but no one knows everything. That is the way I like it.

Depressing. Anxiety Inducing. Crazy Ramblings over.

Happy New Year!!

It's time for that inevitable list of New Year's Resolutions! Are you tired of reading all of these on your blogs yet?

I have a few fitness based ones but those will go on my fitness blog instead.

Here's to 2013!

1. Finish Writing My Book
I participated in NaNoWriMo this year and got a huge chunk of my book written. I've decided to actually pursue finishing it. I read a few things that got publishes recently (namely 50 Shades) and thought to myself "if THAT got published then why don't I try?"

2. Send Agent Queries
This goes along with number one.

3. Have an Organized Home
Isn't this one of those super common ones? I need it. I'm losing my MIND over here with the clutter.

4. Try Something New Each Month
This can be a new food, new recipe, new exercise, or even just a new menu item at my favorite restaurant. I'm avoiding getting stuck in a rut this year.

5. Blog Weekly
You're excited about that one, I'm sure.

6. Read Scripture Daily
Even just one verse...


Do you have any rockin' resolutions? Share with me!!

A Glimpse

I started this post as an explanation for my previous eating disorder. I know a lot of people get the BUT WHY questions. I'm operating on not much sleep so instead I'm going to give you a glimpse into my old journal. These are taken directly from my journal from the message board I talked about in a previous post. Questions in the comments will be answered tomorrow! :)

During these posts I'm 17 years old and in my senior year in high school. I'm eating 500-800 calories a DAY and purging (throwing up) at least once a day.

I'm just so sick of it all......I'm sick of everyone telling me I'm so tiny but feeling so huge...I'm sick of being so tired and weak because I'm not eating right....but I don't wanna get better....I'd rather be thin and unhappy then fat and unhappy....at least this way I'm attractive...

most of the showers I take are full of tears......I've cried myself to sleep more than necessary lately....I cut about a month ago for the first time in forever....and why? Because I'm so f***ing sick and tired of not making any choices for myself....except about school or eating (not even eating anymore because [ExBF] wants me to eat) and school is stressing me out so much that I dont' even wanna try anymore.... I should be on antidepressants......but they make you gain weight..... my weight is more important to me than my happiness

I'm just giving up the dreams I've had of acting and modeling. The entire time they were talking to me I just shut down and heard this voice in my head saying "just give in and do what they want...forget your dreams...the dreams of acting and modeling are flighty anyway and you'll never lose enough weight to be successful...just give up. Just do what they want. Make them happy. Your feelings dont matter anyway."

*sighs* scared myself today....I was walking down the stairs to leave school ........normal thing right? Suddenly, without anything to provoke it, I get the thought of "I could kill myself....I do have the strength...I could do it...." like, it threw me off so much that I stopped walking and just stared. I mean, OMG. but yeah...I could. I'm so tired of everythign that if I didnt care so damn much about hurting people, I would do it....

I want to die. I really do......the question remains, do I have the strength to live? or the strength to die?

Reading through that entire journal is like reading a poorly written account of someone else's life. Sharing this is HARD. I get that nothing is *truly* private on the internet but the place I wrote that journal felt like a safe haven for me when I was at my lowest points.

I have to hit "publish" before I lose my nerve...

Our Scars Remind Us...

I am in recovery for a self harm addiction. I am/was a cutter. I'm currently almost 3 years clean. I began cutting in 2000...which means, if you do the math, I've been suffering from this for 12 years. To me it's like being an alcoholic: You don't ever *really* get over it.

Why? Why do that? If you've never done it my explanation probably won't be enough for you. I'm sorry in advance.

It felt good.

Yep. That's the crux of it. I know how crazy that sounds, trust me. I felt totally crazy at the time.

I'll break it down. When you're in pain your body produces endorphins. These trigger a "feel good" feeling that helps you deal with the pain. People that self harm just try to harness that feeling. When I would get overwhelmed or upset I could hurt myself and flood my body with endorphins. It was like doing drugs.

At the same time I knew it would hurt later after the endorphins wore off; so it was a punishment as well. If I ate too much, triggered an argument, got a bad grade, etc... I used it as a way to remind myself of that until it healed.

There was a point in my life (I was 17) when I had over 50 cuts in various states of healing. Fifty. You read that right.

There was a lot of guilt that went with it. There still is some days. There is such a stigma attached to the behavior. It was a crazy cycle. Cut, feel guilty about it, guilt becomes overwhelming, cut to relieve that overwhelmed feeling, feel guilty...

What can you do if you know someone that self harms?

1) Don't freak out. This is the hardest one so I'm putting it FIRST. The last thing they need to hear when they've opened up to you is "YOU DO WHAT? WHY? HOW COULD YOU? YOU NEED HELP!!!" Trust me, they know it's not an okay behavior. They know that they need help. That's why they're trusting you with the information.
What's the "proper" reaction? "I'm here for you. Let's go and talk to someone together." or "How can I help you?" If you can't handle it then SAY SO. "I can't handle this but I'll help you find someone that can."

2) Don't make them promise not to do it again. My ex was bad about this. I said above that there is already a lot of guilt that goes along with the behavior. On the road to recovery there will be slips. Period. You should celebrate each DAY that they can stay clean. Celebrate when they make it a week. If they slip then say, "Hey, you made it a week. Let's start fresh and I bet you can make it 8 days next time."  If you berate them because they "broke a promise" you are just adding to the guilt and can cause a setback.

3) Don't ignore it. If they told you or let you see (I was very careful about where I cut so no one would notice unless I wanted it) then it is a cry for help...not attention. Most self harmers are not suicidal. There is a difference between self harm and a suicide attempt. Someone that wants to kill themselves usually won't cut for months beforehand. Frankly, they just attempt it. I know that's hard to hear. It's hard to type.

4) Set up a check in process. Even if you just come up with a code you should find a way to check in with them each day. Make it easy. "How is today" and a "good/bad" response.

5) Don't take it on alone. Find someone that YOU can talk to as well. This isn't something that you should handle lightly and is, honestly, something for professionals to handle. After you establish trust you need to help the person find a trusted professional to help them and then you should talk to someone as well.


This was a lot longer than I thought it would be but I think it was necessary. Did I help you understand? If you have any questions let me know and I'll address them in another post.

This is hard

I haven't written in a few days and it's because of a voluntary block on myself.

It's so hard to open up here and tell, what I feel are, my deepest and darkest secrets.

It's easier to share some poetry that I wrote during that time...I'll have a real post tomorrow.


ORDINARY GIRL
 Behind those gorgeous eyes
There lies a twisted world.
But out here on the surface,
She's an ordinary girl.

 She fights a losing battle,
One she cannot win.
And unlike other battles,
The evil lies within.

 The inches quickly falling,
The pounds peeling away,
 But she still lives in constant fear,
Afraid the weight will stay.

 Glassy eyes are wet with tears,
But she will never tell.
Pain inside won't fade away,
 But still she hides it well.

 Behind these gorgeous eyes,
There lies a twisted world.
But I will never show you,
I'm not your ordinary girl.

Friends keep on asking,
Trying to pull me out.
But I just don’t know what to say,
 Can you hear a silent shout?

 Can you read it in my eyes?
See it on my face?
Deep inside it hurts,
Deep inside there's space.

 Silently I'm screaming,
But don't want you to hear.
Outwardly I'm smiling,
 But deep inside there's fear.

 Behind MY gorgeous eyes,
There lies a twisted world.
And I'm afraid it will get out,
I'm not your ordinary girl.



Untitled

Slowly breaking down.
Shattered from within.
Reminded of all faults,
Of all pain and of all sin.

 Eyes are shiny glass
Crying harder each day.
Knowing that the pain will last,
You wont let it go away.

 Slowly breaking down.
Broken deep inside.
No one seems to realize
Just how often I have cried.

 Pounds are peeling off
Getting thinner all the while.
But you still dont see
Inside your world of denile.

 Slowly breaking down.
Wanting to stop the fight.
No one can ever know
I'll never be alright.

 Lying amidst broken glass
Screaming out in pain.
But you dont seem to notice
And my bleeding cuts remain

Pro-Ana Message Boards

I've written about pro-ana websites before.

As dangerous as those are I believe the thing that was MOST detrimental was my discovery of pro-ana message boards.

On a pro-ana website you are somewhat limited in the "support" you glean from the person that created the site. They rarely communicate directly with you. It's a one sided sort of relationship. You click and read and that's about it.

A message board is much more personal.

On a message board you get to know people. You get feedback for your posts. This isn't always healthy. Yes, if you decide that you want to go into recovery MOST people will cheer you on with comments like "you're so strong" and "I wish I could do that!"

But what if your post isn't about getting healthy? What if it's just the opposite?

Well you receive support for that too. Not in a "cheer you on" sort of fashion but in a "hey, it's okay" sort of way.

I remember reading where a girl admitted to purging in a car full of people. Her trick was that she feigned carsickness and put her head into a big black trashbag. A lot of the comments were along the lines of "I wish I were brave enough to do something like that." I'm not saying she should have been condemned...but she certainly didn't need applause.

The boards I belonged to didn't allow "tips" for legal reasons. However, I can tell you from experience that you can glean tips from reading someone else's experiences. Like with the above story, she didn't give a "tip" for purging in public but you can bet a dozen people read that and thought "That is so creative!" I did.

I will say I met a few good friends on that board. A couple I'm in touch with to this day. However, some of the meanest people I've EVER encountered were there. The anonymity of the internet combined with emotional issues makes for a bad time.

I was pretty tempted to head over to the board (where I still have access) and screenshot a few things to make my point. In the end, I couldn't do it for many reasons...
1) The board owner really doesn't like me. I'm sure she'd love to tear me apart over that.
2) Somewhere inside me I still have an emotional attachment to it. For a long time it was my safe place. When I felt like no one in the world understood me I could go there and know that at least one person did. If only it hadn't also been the place that fueled my disordered thinking at times...