GUILTy Party

Guilt. We've all dealt with it...some of us to greater degrees than others.

Honestly, every therapist/counselor I've ever visited asks the same question at some point in our sessions... "Have you felt guilt about anything lately?" It's rude to burst out laughing (and it makes me look crazy) but I always end up making a scoffing noise of some kind. Why? Because I'm one of those people that seems to carry guilt around constantly.

It's not just over the big things. I remember little mistakes I made, lies I told, etc from many many years ago. They'll rear their ugly heads randomly and I'll get a wash of guilt.

Well last night this little acronym came to me. It's a simple way to change focus in the moment. So, the next time you feel like the GUILTy Party just remember...

G od
U nderstands
I' m
L ess
T han
-
P erfect

It's not an exact matchup to the letters but it works. I vow to try to use it this week anytime guilt rises in me. I want you to do the same.

My Wisdom on Wisdom Teeth

HA! I'm in the mood for a cheesy title.

Recently I finally got my wisdom teeth removed...a good 10 years after being told I needed them out.

That's right. My teeth were SIDEWAYS in my head. 

The surgery itself wasn't so bad. My advice if you're doing Twilight Sedation? TAKE MUSIC. I put a bunch of music on my phone and popped in a headphone right before I went under. I remember little bits of the surgery (burning from the lidocaine and a few unpleasant sounds) but I mostly remember music. The surgeon and nurses thought it was an awesome idea...so I highly recommend it.

Recovery, on the other hand, was not as a great an experience...

I was prepared for the swelling and general discomfort

My sweet boys.

I wasn't prepared for the bruising.

I swear, officer, it wasn't me in that bar fight.

I also wasn't prepared to get DRY SOCKET.

I did everything right and got it anyway. It turns out, lower impacted wisdom teeth usually get it no matter what you do.

Which means this made up the bulk of my diet for over a week.

No matter how many smoothie recipes you know...you get tired of smoothies. 

I also discovered that this is a discovery I put up there with FIRE for awesomeness and importance.

It tastes like death but it numbs.

I'm finally on the mend. I don't need pain meds like candy. The pain is downgraded to "hurts when it gets poked" instead of "constant throbbing."

That's where I've been the last week and a half. Whew. I'm glad it's over!!

Guilt

I'm feeling a bit guilty today. I know I shouldn't, but I am.

Recently I decided I will NOT be fostering any more dogs until I get my own stuff under control. That hasn't stopped me from checking out the page on Facebook occasionally...

The other day there was a dog that was "my kind" of dog. Older (2-3), Shepherd Mix, Docile, etc... Normally that is the exact dog that I snatch up to foster. But I held back because I CAN'T handle it right now.

I checked back the next day and he got put down.

I know it's not REALLY my fault. I'm not his owner. It isn't up to me to save all the dogs of San Antonio. However, there's that evil little voice in my head that says "You could have saved him."

Thankfully I started my medication yesterday...so these kinds of thoughts will hopefully stop.

Temporary Insanity

Tomorrow I finally go to the doctor about my anxiety issues. This post doesn't need to turn into a discussion about whether or not anxiety is real OR a discussion on why medication isn't the answer. I'm going. I'm trying medication. Period. I did the research and I'd rather deal with dry mouth and headaches than crippling anxiety.

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately.

I want my business to grow but I'm having trouble making time to work that isn't 10pm.

I want to finish my novel but I have the WORST case of writer's block. I stare at a blank screen far too often and that isn't writing the 50,000 words I need. The story is bare bones, novella length right now. I don't want to think that this is the end.

One "fear" I have with overcoming my anxiety is that it will kill my muse forever and I'll never be creative again. Stefan is okay with that (he'd rather I be unpublished and sane) but it's a rough thought.

I'm still trying to find myself. You'd think at almost 26 I'd be somewhat sure of myself, what I like, who I am, etc...but I'm not. I know that people evolve and change, but it's weird and sort of scary.

I need to be more organized. I need my FAMILY to be more organized. I'm sure I wrecked someone's entire day on Sunday when she was just trying to help me all because I didn't double check something. I'm STILL kicking myself because it was a simple, stupid mistake. The experience was a huge splash of cold water and is the reason I won't be fostering any more dogs until I get my own stuff in order.

Sometimes I'm afraid my children will end up just as crazy as I am.

I'm afraid to make friends. I make acquaintances and I'm surprisingly okay with that. True friends means letting your guard down and letting people into those scary places inside yourself. I can't do that. I believe that my husband is the only person that knows me 100%. I have different sets of "friends" that know different things about me, but no one knows everything. That is the way I like it.

Depressing. Anxiety Inducing. Crazy Ramblings over.

My Argument With God (the most recent one)

If God and I sat down and had an official discussion it would have gone something like this:

God: I have a blog idea for you. I know that you've had trouble coming up with new ones so I did it for you.

Me: Well thank you! What is it?

God: I want you to write about your past issues. Your eating disorder, your ex boyfriend, and your self harm.

Me: ......excuse me?

God: You haven't been able to get those things out of your head lately. They would be great tools for your book but I want you to blog about them.

Me: *silence*

God: You'll touch and save lives.

Me: *silence*

God: *silence*

Me: I can't. I just can't do it.

God: Yes, I'll help you.

Me: Nope.

God: This is what you're supposed to write about. You won't be able to come up with anything else until you do...and after a while your book will stall out as well. It will be cathartic AND helpful for someone.


That's how I imagine it would go anyway. How did it actually go? I got the feeling that I should write about these things and I ignored it...and then I hit writer's block all around.


So over the next few weeks I'll be doing several blogs covering several of these topics. I'll be including a lot of journal entries *gulp* and facts and links. Pray for me? This will be rough...

I get it...

It's something said a lot in church settings.

"You are a child of God."

"God is your Father."

But, honestly, I didn't TRULY understand what that meant.

When I fell away from God I got into the "I have to clean up my life before I can return" trap. I felt like I had to be GOOD ENOUGH for Him to truly love me.

My husband said to me, "That's the best part. None of us deserve it and none of us are truly good enough. He loves us anyway."

I accepted that and accepted Christ (again).

But now that I'm a parent with kids of my own I feel like I actually get it.

My kids aren't perfect. They are FAR from it! They make me angry daily. They disobey daily...sometimes hourly. And I still love them. I don't approve of their bad decisions, but it doesn't make me love them any less.

THAT is how God feels about us. We screw up daily...sometimes hourly! He gets angry with us. He doesn't approve of our bad decisions, but that doesn't mean he loves us any less!

Pro-Ana (websites)

I truly don't remember what I searched in Yahoo! to bring up these pages. I just know that I searched *something* related to eating disorders and it brought up a pro-ana site. I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole into an entirely new world...

Read more at my Fitness Blog! If you're a parent YOU NEED THIS POST!!!

The $5million Question...

This is something fun I've done before on forums and whatnot. The rules are VERY specific.

You're given $5million. However, there are rules you have to follow in spending it...

$1million has to be on yourself...NO savings.

$1million has to be on someone else in your family.

$1million has to be on someone NOT in your family.

$1million has to be to a charity.

$1million has to go to a total stranger...


So, what would you do in each category? Go shopping? Buy land and build your dream house? College savings for your kids?

Boob Tube Babble

Linking up again!






Pan Am
I FINALLY watched this show and I'm hooked. I love love love it! I'm from the wrong era. *sigh*

Dexter
YAY Dexter is back!! It's weird to see the kid from Roswell as the bad guy...but I get "stuck" on characters like that.

CSI
I recently got caught up. The episode with the family that got killed? Yeah, I also buy baking soda a lot at a time...I thought it was funny that was "evidence" for a drug ring!

Glee
SIGH
Was this number really necessary? I thought the, uh, floor work during the dance part in the gym was a BIT much. They're supposed to be teenage girls.



 Warehouse 13
Season Finale. If you watched it you'll understand these thoughts...If you didn't you'll want to stop reading.
1) Why couldn't HG have put the forcefield around the BOMB instead of the people and saved herself too? I get it was a big moment and her one selfless act and blah blah blah...it was stupid.
2) Stefan called the mole from the start. Like, 2mins in to the episode he says, "THAT is the ultimate plan." He was right.
3) When Artie pulled out the watch I looked at Stefan and said, "What does that do again?" I don't remember...if it just magically fixes everything I'm going to be irritated.

America's Next Top Model
Do these girls not have to have medical checks? How many seasons have we had someone with some sort of medical issue?

Survivor
Do they show a lot of this guy's Christian professions because Matt was such a popular player last season?


There are a lot more I'm loving right now. Fringe, Ringer, etc...

Random Thoughts Time

- I need to buy gates for the stairs. My BABY was halfway up yesterday (sigh!)

- I think I'm going to start running every day. I only do a mile or so at a time...is that too much?

- I recently bought a size 6 jeans...I haven't been a size 6 in 3 years.

- I love my Diva Cup. I keep wondering why I didn't do this sooner...

- I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. It allows me to keep in touch with my brother while he's deployed, reunite with old friends (including some from elementary school!), and build my business...
But it's also a chance for everyone to say what they think without a filter. A lot of people hide behind the anonymity of the internet and say things they normally wouldn't say in person. Some people *would* say these things in person... I guess I just need to get used to it as the internet is slowly becoming more and more focused  on social media.

- I guess my husband did *not* have food poisoning...because now Franklin is sick too.

- I need help with my 2 year old. He only listens when I yell. It's always been that way (before people start saying "well it's because you yell all the time.")


Any random thoughts you'd like to share?

Thoughts

Diet:

So, I've been trying to keep track of my calories each day. The trouble is...I can't DIET. Breastfeeding means that I need to eat a minimum of 1800 calories a day. Breastfeeding burns an average of 500 calories a day (something like 20 calories for each ounce of milk produced) So, even if I want to net 1800 calories I can EAT 2300 calories...and some days it doesn't feel like enough. I'm truly not eating due to boredom or anything. I'm HUNGRY all the time. Like, really really hungry. So for now I'm focused on being active and making good food choices. I can't worry about numbers right now.
Counting calories is a slippery slope for me. I was bulimic in high school, and at one point it was fairly severe (purging daily and I was down to 115lbs) My average weight at that point was 122lbs...and I always thought it was WAY too much. I exercised for hours each day. I didn't eat more than 800 calories a day (and I kept it under 500 more often than not) Sometimes it's still hard to know that a meal was 500 calories even though that's perfectly acceptable. Because I know this about myself I'm going to stop counting and just try to eat healthy! My son's nourishment is more important than my waistline.

Church:

We've been trying to find a church. We've tried SEVERAL in the area. Maybe I'm just too picky. One I didn't like the way the preacher talked (it was distracting), one didn't want me to have my kids in service AT ALL, one was way too long (2 hours minimum), one was okay and we might try again, and the last one there were a couple of things I didn't care for... I have a right to be picky, right? I want a shorter service (an hour would be great), a big enough kids ministry that Franklin is with kids his own age (and not a 0-4 situation), and I want to feel comfortable nursing Jonathan in church. I want a vibrant praise and worship that isn't just a loud concert.

Franklin:

Tomorrow he's being evaluated for a Sensory Processing Disorder. I found this helpful.
 I'm really praying about this...it would explain a lot and be helpful. Why he seems compelled to jump on the couch. Why spankings don't work (he needs a deep touch to really feel it so spankings don't register as a bad thing) Why he hated purees. Etc...


Housekeeping:

I'm terrible at this lately. My house isn't DIRTY, it's "scattered" to quote my mom. Moxie says that each room in my house is 10minutes away from being clean. (I've sent pictures) It's honestly pointless to put things away during the day because Franklin just yanks them back out....just for the sake of yanking them out. It's frustrating.

Hey!

Do you follow me on Facebook or Twitter? There are buttons on the right side. We're having a discussion about healthy diet choices for this month. Jump over and log your goals. It's never too late.

When You Don't Feel Like A Warrior

As I stated in a previous post I'm not doing so well with this prayer challenge. However, there was a story on an old episode of Home Improvement that made me think...(I know, a sitcom having something worthwhile is a strange concept nowadays!) A little boy needed to buy a gift for his teacher and didn't know what to get her. So, he traveled many days on foot to the beach and scooped up a jar of sand. When he presented it to her it appeared to be just plain sand. She asked why he went to so much trouble. He replied, "The journey is part of the gift."

I also did a post on my son holding me accountable. I realized that, even though I haven't been successful in praying 10 times a day, I HAVE been successful in reintroducing prayer into my life and introducing it into my son's life. This month is not about the destination. If I get to the end of the month having prayed every prayer in the book and then some but haven't felt a change in myself or touched my son's life then what was the point? However, if I struggle but, at the end of the month, can say "This changed my family for the better" isn't that what God wants?

So this month I will fail. I will fall short of my goals. I will take steps backwards. But that's okay. My God loves me anyway.

He was sharing his pipecleaner headband.

Thank God for GRACE

I am so glad that God is full of grace!

I entered into a challenge this month to pray for my sons daily. 10 prayers every weekday. Friday I did well and only had a few to do by the evening.

Yesterday I did ONE....all day.

Today I still haven't done any...

I was feeling like such a failure until I reached out to the other mamas that are doing this with me and Brooke (the mama that wrote the book we're following) reminded me about God's Grace.

It was refreshing.

What's in store?

Blogs my brain is working on:

- Profanity (this one should be interesting)
- My son turning 2
- Being a mom of two small kids
- Being a wife
- Recipes and cooking thoughts
- More Link-Ups

Blog Hop

Click the button and explore some blogs!

Long overwhelming post

At least it's clean

I'm lacking sleep. Yesterday morning Jonathan decided that 6:30am (when Daddy wakes up) was the official start to the morning. I laid in bed with him, in blatant denial, for about 30 minutes before finally getting up. Last night I was up late cleaning up the house (it had to get done). I didn't crawl into bed until 11pm. Add in my insomnia and it was probably at least 30 minutes before I went to sleep. I was awake 5 or 6 times between then and 6:30am when Stefan got up. Even when I *could* sleep I was dreaming that I couldn't sleep...so I didn't get rested. I dozed until about 8am when Franklin woke up....and I don't have any caffeine in the house! I'm exhausted.

The kitchen isn't CLEAN. It's picked up, half of the dishes are done and all major messes are cleaned up. But there's still STUFF out and junk all over my floors. The living room is fairly clean (I need to spot treat) because I found MORE ANTS last night. (They were hugging the walls all the way from the front door to the dining room...basically an entire side of the house) I sprayed them and vacuumed. We aren't messy people!

If you're one of my readers in a place without fire ants you can't fully understand what I'm dealing with. Not only are these things relentless and annoying, but they STING. It isn't just a random sting either. They will swarm you and then the "leader" will release a chemical compound that tells them all to start stinging at once. Yeah, I'm serious. Did I mention that I'm slightly allergic to them? When Stefan gets stung he has slight discomfort and the typical red area. When *I* get stung it's like being injected with hot sauce and then the entire area swells up. If I get stung on my finger the entire finger will swell up into my hand...within minutes. It's crazy.

80% of my laundry is clean and 25% of *that* is folded....but none is put away. That annoys me. When we were first married we would do all of our laundry at once (laundromat) and then live out of the bin. Now that I have the space and my own washer and dryer you'd think that would change...but nope. We both hate laundry. So it gets put off until we have no clean clothes and then it takes an entire night to get it all folded.

I also get overwhelmed with my spirited son. I've tried giving him plenty of outside time (I even walked up to the park last week...that's 1/2 a mile up a steep hill...pushing him in the stroller and wearing Jonathan) I've tried playing actively inside (we danced a bunch together yesterday) I've tried fighting for naps (and it's a literal FIGHT) I've tried the laid back "whatever" attitude about naps (If he takes one, cool...if not, his loss) I've tried spanking. I've tried time out. I've tried explaining. I've tried diversion. I've tried ignoring. None of it works. Deep down inside I'm afraid he's ADHD or something. This can't all be because he's a spirited toddler. I question my ability to parent.


Plus I'm breastfeeding a newborn. I heard once that full time breastfeeding burns 300-500 calories a day (depending on how often "full time" is for you) Basically, someone 140lbs would have to do high impact aerobics for an hour a day to burn what I do by nursing....AND I'm chasing a toddler. My body is tired. I need to eat all the time. I go through a jar a peanut butter every few days. (High fat and protein) I don't have time to cook (toddler won't let me even if baby is sleeping) I've had to accept that the baby has to cry sometimes in order for me to eat enough to make milk...it's gotten to where I don't really respond to the crying as quickly as I think I should because I'm so used to hearing it.

I'll stop before I start rambling (and the baby is waking back up)

How I Ended Up At Home

I was going to be the first woman president of the United States....and then I turned 5!

I was going to be a famous actress and model...but I gave myself until 16 for that (10 years was long enough to get a career going)

There was a period where I didn't care about life at all.

Then, I turned 16 and was still plain old me. That was depressing.

I considered being a CSI...but when I researched the job I realized it's a lot more boring than the show.

I thought about being a teacher...but I can't stand when kids are in class "just because" and don't want to learn.

I settled on an ER Doctor. I looked at where my life was going (and the man I had settled on) and decided I could have my career and then have kids in my mid-30s. ExBoyfriend said he didn't want to wait until his 30s to have kids...so I looked at my life again and decided I'd rather have a career than have children. It hurt a little bit, but I was unhappy with my own experiences as a child and unhappy with my relationship.

I went to a private junior college to get the theatre bug out of my system and get some core classes. MY plan was to go there for 2 years (I had a full ride) and then go to ExBoyfriend's college and go Pre-Med.

.........


And then God happened.


It's funny how that happens. You're going along in life thinking that YOU have everything planned out and you can almost hear the chuckle from the heavens as God steps in and says, "Watch what *I* can do with your life. You have no idea what you're doing."

At least, that's how it felt.

Through serendipity I met my husband. (Okay, it was easier than that. I knew his roommate from many years prior) Stefan and I ended up talking many nights and I found myself pouring my heart out to this man I barely knew. In hindsight it was an effort to scare him off...thank God it didn't work!

Through our talks I found the strength to leave my abusive and toxic relationship for good. I found the strength to step up and say "I don't know what I want to do with my life...and that's okay." I found the strength to try to figure out who I really was and stop hiding behind my eating disorder, self harm addiction, and promiscuous attitude. Most of all, I found the strength to realize how WEAK I was without God in my life and rededicate my life to Christ.

At this point I had no idea what the future held. Everything had been turned upside down. Through the passing days I realized I was okay with having children....and with having Stefan's children. One night I told him that when I had children, if I could afford it, I wanted to stay home with them. This was really important to me.

Fast forward a couple of years...and I'm pregnant with our first. I found out when Stefan and I were trying to get into the military (it actually disqualified me). We crunched the numbers and realized that, with his entering the military, it's financially advantageous for me to stay home.

So here I am! From feminist to house frau. It's the hardest job I've ever had, but it's also the most fulfilling.

Coming Up Next!!!

Upcoming subjects:

- My journey into creating: The House That Cleans Itself

- Weekly Tot School updates

- Monthly kid/baby updates

- Weekly recipe reviews

- My thoughts on my new Bible Study: Same Life, New Story (10 weeks long) Weekly updates.

If you have any suggestions please let me know!

Face Lift!

The blog FINALLY got a facelift!


Thoughts?

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