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Rape Culture

This is going to have a few personal moments.


I had a thought this morning about the whole idea of Rape Culture. Why are people so hesitant to change the standard? Why don't we talk about it? (Other than it's a tough subject) Why do people want to blame the woman? I actually don't believe it's an anti-woman thing.

We don't want to admit that we've been part of it.

I've heard said recently that instead of "no means no" we should teach "yes means yes and everything else means no." I love that. However, it's meeting some difficulty in society. Why? Why is that so hard?

By changing how we view consent, it makes rape a lot more common.

Scary, right?

If we change it to "if she didn't actively say yes then it's rape" there's a whole bunch of men that have take a hard look at their sexual encounters. What about that girl that didn't seem too into it but didn't say no? What about the girl that said "I'm not sure..." and then didn't say anything again?

When I lost my virginity (too young) it all happened too fast and I wasn't 100% sure. But I never said no. Was I raped? Do you have any idea how hard that thought is to process? It's hard to think about it as an active decision (I never said no so I wanted it...right?) but it's even more painful to think about it with the word "rape" attached.

See, we don't want to think about it in that way. We, as a society, need to think about rape as a random act of violence. We need to think that it's not THAT common and if we stay sober, stay to the lights, and keep our pepper spray handy it won't happen to us. But if we change the terms, if we change the way of thinking about it, then I'd be willing to bet it HAS happened to many of us already.

So that's why we keep hearing "she never said no" (no matter that she was passed out) or whatever. Society is holding on to the belief that it can't happen to them. I hate to be the one to burst bubbles...but it probably already has. We need to grieve, heal, and teach the next generation better.

Unique Parenting Advice

You read all of the books. You visit the websites. You make friends and soak up every bit of advice you can...

And then you have kids and it all blows out of the water!!

I do want you to take this little piece of advice, though. Whether you co-sleep or not, it's useful to know. It's especially useful in toddlerhood.

Ready?

HAVE A MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BED-CHANGE PLAN!

We've been battling a stomach bug around here. It seems to hit my youngest at night more than anything. When we were on vacation it was fine if he puked in the bed because someone ELSE would change the sheets. Now that we're home? It's up to the adults in the house! And we aren't dealing with puke anymore....think diaper blow-outs. They're gross when you're talking breastfed baby...they're trauma inducing when it's a toddler!! *shudder*

My husband and I have gotten pretty good at doing the change quickly at night. It came to us naturally. If that's you then that's great! If not, keep reading! There is hope!

1) Have extras of everything where everyone knows how to find them.
You want a change of clothes for EVERYONE (even if you don't co-sleep. Sometimes the mess will get on your PJs by transfer) If it's especially bad I'd recommend TWO of everything. Have an extra set of sheets at the ready. Know where that extra comforter is stored. Trust me, you might need it all.
(Last night's incident involved poop up to his shoulders. I wish I were exaggerating)

2) Assign the parents.
There's the "Child Parent" and the "Bed Parent" in my house. The CP takes the kid and focuses on cleaning him up. The BP focuses on getting the linens changed/washing and makes the bed. Whichever parent finishes FIRST helps the other if they need it.

3) Have clean-up supplies. 
Those old towels you want to throw out? Perfect for this job!! Who cares if they're stained beyond recognition afterwards? You were going to toss them anyway. If you use disposables (we have been at night) keep those plastic grocery bags handy. Keep your wipes handy as well.

It sounds simple because it really is...but in the middle of the night things can get jumbled and confused if you don't have a good plan in place. The first few times we had to do this I tried to do everything (because that's how I am) when I should have let my husband help!

Do you have a plan? When was the last time you had to change sheets in the middle of the night?

My VoxBox Reviews

I was given the products to sample and review by the Influenster. :) I am not affiliated with the companies in any way and the reviews in this blog are my own.

I was hungry when I opened the box so I tried the SkinnyGirl bar first.

It was SO YUMMY! I was hesitant at first because of the "coco-nut" title (I don't care for shredded coconut in foods) but it was more sweet peanut butter than anything.
I'm not crazy about the large amounts of soy in them...or the low protein count. It was yummy but not really all that nutritious.

VERDICT: It tastes really good, but I wouldn't order any.

I washed my hair that night and figured it was a good time to try the "Not Your Mother's Texturizing Spray."

It smelled like coconut (I like the smell, not the taste). It was very Pina Colada. I have big waves naturally in my hair and it's currently cut short so I didn't have high hopes for it working in my hair.

I was pleasantly surprised!

VERDICT:  It made my hair smell nice and the waves actually worked. I'd say it would work better if you have longer hair.


Olay Fresh Effects came next.

It's a set that comes with a battery operated scrubber and face wash. It did make my face feel clean and smooth.

VERDICT: Yes, it worked, but I wasn't a fan of how it felt to use it. I can be a bit tactile defensive and the plastic scrubbers vibrating didn't feel good.


Secret Stress Response.

I took this on vacation to Arizona! I used it every day. Normally, I sweat like a pig (seriously, it can be gross) but this really helped.

VERDICT: It kept me dry even walking around in the heat. I didn't have to worry about sweat marks or smell on vacation!


I really really loved the products in this box! I'm excited for my next one.

Dear Children

My Dearest Children,

I love you. I really do...but there are a few things you need to know.

1) I don't like it when your face is so close to mine.

No really, I can see how sad you are without you getting 2 inches away. Getting nose to nose with me will NOT make me suddenly give in to your demands. I love you SO MUCH but I can love you and cuddle you with a few inches of space after a sweet baby kiss.


2) I'm not trying to ruin all of your fun in life.

The FEW rules that I have are usually for safety. I know it's super fun to scale the dresser...but it's not safe and you just don't seem to realize that. I get that you didn't get *really* hurt the last time you fell doing something I SPECIFICALLY said not to...but that doesn't mean it's a safe activity.

3) When I tell you not to eat something it's REALLY for your own good.

I know you want Scooby Snack treats and bread and gummy snacks and a myriad of things that you've eaten before but now can't have. I'm SORRY! I know you feel better (you act better) when I'm strict with your diet. When you're old enough to make the connection we'll talk again. Until then, however, I control your foods.

4) There is no Parent Eating Monster in the bathroom

It's okay to let Mommy and Daddy go alone...really.


Anything you'd like to tell your kids? Anything you relate to on here? Share with us!!

GUILTy Party

Guilt. We've all dealt with it...some of us to greater degrees than others.

Honestly, every therapist/counselor I've ever visited asks the same question at some point in our sessions... "Have you felt guilt about anything lately?" It's rude to burst out laughing (and it makes me look crazy) but I always end up making a scoffing noise of some kind. Why? Because I'm one of those people that seems to carry guilt around constantly.

It's not just over the big things. I remember little mistakes I made, lies I told, etc from many many years ago. They'll rear their ugly heads randomly and I'll get a wash of guilt.

Well last night this little acronym came to me. It's a simple way to change focus in the moment. So, the next time you feel like the GUILTy Party just remember...

G od
U nderstands
I' m
L ess
T han
-
P erfect

It's not an exact matchup to the letters but it works. I vow to try to use it this week anytime guilt rises in me. I want you to do the same.

Medicated American...and Proud.

I have officially been a Medicated American for over a month now.

And I'm darn proud of it.

My anxiety is much more manageable. Yes, I still get overwhelmed but I hear that's normal. I don't get overwhelmed and then spiral into a vast pit of despair. I don't freak out when the kids freak out. I haven't had chest pains in WEEKS.

My dreams are WEIRD but that's okay. I've gotten a few creative plots written down for future use thanks to odd dream sequences. My creativity is back up.

I only had a few weeks of adjustment issues. For about 2 weeks everything tasted bland. I think that was the one symptom I wasn't prepared to handle. I could only eat spicy things for that period...and then I got my wisdom teeth removed shortly thereafter. It's been a funny time diet wise.

My PMDD hasn't been as bad this month. I'm only symptomatic a few days before starting my cycle as opposed to the usual 10. 3-4 days of a short temper and junk food cravings? Totally tolerable!


I know a lot of people disagree with medication...but it is one of the best decisions I've made lately. I feel like a better parent. I can ACTUALLY PARENT instead of just reacting to my surroundings. It's wonderful. I feel wonderful.

My Wisdom on Wisdom Teeth

HA! I'm in the mood for a cheesy title.

Recently I finally got my wisdom teeth removed...a good 10 years after being told I needed them out.

That's right. My teeth were SIDEWAYS in my head. 

The surgery itself wasn't so bad. My advice if you're doing Twilight Sedation? TAKE MUSIC. I put a bunch of music on my phone and popped in a headphone right before I went under. I remember little bits of the surgery (burning from the lidocaine and a few unpleasant sounds) but I mostly remember music. The surgeon and nurses thought it was an awesome idea...so I highly recommend it.

Recovery, on the other hand, was not as a great an experience...

I was prepared for the swelling and general discomfort

My sweet boys.

I wasn't prepared for the bruising.

I swear, officer, it wasn't me in that bar fight.

I also wasn't prepared to get DRY SOCKET.

I did everything right and got it anyway. It turns out, lower impacted wisdom teeth usually get it no matter what you do.

Which means this made up the bulk of my diet for over a week.

No matter how many smoothie recipes you know...you get tired of smoothies. 

I also discovered that this is a discovery I put up there with FIRE for awesomeness and importance.

It tastes like death but it numbs.

I'm finally on the mend. I don't need pain meds like candy. The pain is downgraded to "hurts when it gets poked" instead of "constant throbbing."

That's where I've been the last week and a half. Whew. I'm glad it's over!!

Guilt

I'm feeling a bit guilty today. I know I shouldn't, but I am.

Recently I decided I will NOT be fostering any more dogs until I get my own stuff under control. That hasn't stopped me from checking out the page on Facebook occasionally...

The other day there was a dog that was "my kind" of dog. Older (2-3), Shepherd Mix, Docile, etc... Normally that is the exact dog that I snatch up to foster. But I held back because I CAN'T handle it right now.

I checked back the next day and he got put down.

I know it's not REALLY my fault. I'm not his owner. It isn't up to me to save all the dogs of San Antonio. However, there's that evil little voice in my head that says "You could have saved him."

Thankfully I started my medication yesterday...so these kinds of thoughts will hopefully stop.

Temporary Insanity

Tomorrow I finally go to the doctor about my anxiety issues. This post doesn't need to turn into a discussion about whether or not anxiety is real OR a discussion on why medication isn't the answer. I'm going. I'm trying medication. Period. I did the research and I'd rather deal with dry mouth and headaches than crippling anxiety.

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately.

I want my business to grow but I'm having trouble making time to work that isn't 10pm.

I want to finish my novel but I have the WORST case of writer's block. I stare at a blank screen far too often and that isn't writing the 50,000 words I need. The story is bare bones, novella length right now. I don't want to think that this is the end.

One "fear" I have with overcoming my anxiety is that it will kill my muse forever and I'll never be creative again. Stefan is okay with that (he'd rather I be unpublished and sane) but it's a rough thought.

I'm still trying to find myself. You'd think at almost 26 I'd be somewhat sure of myself, what I like, who I am, etc...but I'm not. I know that people evolve and change, but it's weird and sort of scary.

I need to be more organized. I need my FAMILY to be more organized. I'm sure I wrecked someone's entire day on Sunday when she was just trying to help me all because I didn't double check something. I'm STILL kicking myself because it was a simple, stupid mistake. The experience was a huge splash of cold water and is the reason I won't be fostering any more dogs until I get my own stuff in order.

Sometimes I'm afraid my children will end up just as crazy as I am.

I'm afraid to make friends. I make acquaintances and I'm surprisingly okay with that. True friends means letting your guard down and letting people into those scary places inside yourself. I can't do that. I believe that my husband is the only person that knows me 100%. I have different sets of "friends" that know different things about me, but no one knows everything. That is the way I like it.

Depressing. Anxiety Inducing. Crazy Ramblings over.

Happy New Year!!

It's time for that inevitable list of New Year's Resolutions! Are you tired of reading all of these on your blogs yet?

I have a few fitness based ones but those will go on my fitness blog instead.

Here's to 2013!

1. Finish Writing My Book
I participated in NaNoWriMo this year and got a huge chunk of my book written. I've decided to actually pursue finishing it. I read a few things that got publishes recently (namely 50 Shades) and thought to myself "if THAT got published then why don't I try?"

2. Send Agent Queries
This goes along with number one.

3. Have an Organized Home
Isn't this one of those super common ones? I need it. I'm losing my MIND over here with the clutter.

4. Try Something New Each Month
This can be a new food, new recipe, new exercise, or even just a new menu item at my favorite restaurant. I'm avoiding getting stuck in a rut this year.

5. Blog Weekly
You're excited about that one, I'm sure.

6. Read Scripture Daily
Even just one verse...


Do you have any rockin' resolutions? Share with me!!

A Glimpse

I started this post as an explanation for my previous eating disorder. I know a lot of people get the BUT WHY questions. I'm operating on not much sleep so instead I'm going to give you a glimpse into my old journal. These are taken directly from my journal from the message board I talked about in a previous post. Questions in the comments will be answered tomorrow! :)

During these posts I'm 17 years old and in my senior year in high school. I'm eating 500-800 calories a DAY and purging (throwing up) at least once a day.

I'm just so sick of it all......I'm sick of everyone telling me I'm so tiny but feeling so huge...I'm sick of being so tired and weak because I'm not eating right....but I don't wanna get better....I'd rather be thin and unhappy then fat and unhappy....at least this way I'm attractive...

most of the showers I take are full of tears......I've cried myself to sleep more than necessary lately....I cut about a month ago for the first time in forever....and why? Because I'm so f***ing sick and tired of not making any choices for myself....except about school or eating (not even eating anymore because [ExBF] wants me to eat) and school is stressing me out so much that I dont' even wanna try anymore.... I should be on antidepressants......but they make you gain weight..... my weight is more important to me than my happiness

I'm just giving up the dreams I've had of acting and modeling. The entire time they were talking to me I just shut down and heard this voice in my head saying "just give in and do what they want...forget your dreams...the dreams of acting and modeling are flighty anyway and you'll never lose enough weight to be successful...just give up. Just do what they want. Make them happy. Your feelings dont matter anyway."

*sighs* scared myself today....I was walking down the stairs to leave school ........normal thing right? Suddenly, without anything to provoke it, I get the thought of "I could kill myself....I do have the strength...I could do it...." like, it threw me off so much that I stopped walking and just stared. I mean, OMG. but yeah...I could. I'm so tired of everythign that if I didnt care so damn much about hurting people, I would do it....

I want to die. I really do......the question remains, do I have the strength to live? or the strength to die?

Reading through that entire journal is like reading a poorly written account of someone else's life. Sharing this is HARD. I get that nothing is *truly* private on the internet but the place I wrote that journal felt like a safe haven for me when I was at my lowest points.

I have to hit "publish" before I lose my nerve...

Our Scars Remind Us...

I am in recovery for a self harm addiction. I am/was a cutter. I'm currently almost 3 years clean. I began cutting in 2000...which means, if you do the math, I've been suffering from this for 12 years. To me it's like being an alcoholic: You don't ever *really* get over it.

Why? Why do that? If you've never done it my explanation probably won't be enough for you. I'm sorry in advance.

It felt good.

Yep. That's the crux of it. I know how crazy that sounds, trust me. I felt totally crazy at the time.

I'll break it down. When you're in pain your body produces endorphins. These trigger a "feel good" feeling that helps you deal with the pain. People that self harm just try to harness that feeling. When I would get overwhelmed or upset I could hurt myself and flood my body with endorphins. It was like doing drugs.

At the same time I knew it would hurt later after the endorphins wore off; so it was a punishment as well. If I ate too much, triggered an argument, got a bad grade, etc... I used it as a way to remind myself of that until it healed.

There was a point in my life (I was 17) when I had over 50 cuts in various states of healing. Fifty. You read that right.

There was a lot of guilt that went with it. There still is some days. There is such a stigma attached to the behavior. It was a crazy cycle. Cut, feel guilty about it, guilt becomes overwhelming, cut to relieve that overwhelmed feeling, feel guilty...

What can you do if you know someone that self harms?

1) Don't freak out. This is the hardest one so I'm putting it FIRST. The last thing they need to hear when they've opened up to you is "YOU DO WHAT? WHY? HOW COULD YOU? YOU NEED HELP!!!" Trust me, they know it's not an okay behavior. They know that they need help. That's why they're trusting you with the information.
What's the "proper" reaction? "I'm here for you. Let's go and talk to someone together." or "How can I help you?" If you can't handle it then SAY SO. "I can't handle this but I'll help you find someone that can."

2) Don't make them promise not to do it again. My ex was bad about this. I said above that there is already a lot of guilt that goes along with the behavior. On the road to recovery there will be slips. Period. You should celebrate each DAY that they can stay clean. Celebrate when they make it a week. If they slip then say, "Hey, you made it a week. Let's start fresh and I bet you can make it 8 days next time."  If you berate them because they "broke a promise" you are just adding to the guilt and can cause a setback.

3) Don't ignore it. If they told you or let you see (I was very careful about where I cut so no one would notice unless I wanted it) then it is a cry for help...not attention. Most self harmers are not suicidal. There is a difference between self harm and a suicide attempt. Someone that wants to kill themselves usually won't cut for months beforehand. Frankly, they just attempt it. I know that's hard to hear. It's hard to type.

4) Set up a check in process. Even if you just come up with a code you should find a way to check in with them each day. Make it easy. "How is today" and a "good/bad" response.

5) Don't take it on alone. Find someone that YOU can talk to as well. This isn't something that you should handle lightly and is, honestly, something for professionals to handle. After you establish trust you need to help the person find a trusted professional to help them and then you should talk to someone as well.


This was a lot longer than I thought it would be but I think it was necessary. Did I help you understand? If you have any questions let me know and I'll address them in another post.

This is hard

I haven't written in a few days and it's because of a voluntary block on myself.

It's so hard to open up here and tell, what I feel are, my deepest and darkest secrets.

It's easier to share some poetry that I wrote during that time...I'll have a real post tomorrow.


ORDINARY GIRL
 Behind those gorgeous eyes
There lies a twisted world.
But out here on the surface,
She's an ordinary girl.

 She fights a losing battle,
One she cannot win.
And unlike other battles,
The evil lies within.

 The inches quickly falling,
The pounds peeling away,
 But she still lives in constant fear,
Afraid the weight will stay.

 Glassy eyes are wet with tears,
But she will never tell.
Pain inside won't fade away,
 But still she hides it well.

 Behind these gorgeous eyes,
There lies a twisted world.
But I will never show you,
I'm not your ordinary girl.

Friends keep on asking,
Trying to pull me out.
But I just don’t know what to say,
 Can you hear a silent shout?

 Can you read it in my eyes?
See it on my face?
Deep inside it hurts,
Deep inside there's space.

 Silently I'm screaming,
But don't want you to hear.
Outwardly I'm smiling,
 But deep inside there's fear.

 Behind MY gorgeous eyes,
There lies a twisted world.
And I'm afraid it will get out,
I'm not your ordinary girl.



Untitled

Slowly breaking down.
Shattered from within.
Reminded of all faults,
Of all pain and of all sin.

 Eyes are shiny glass
Crying harder each day.
Knowing that the pain will last,
You wont let it go away.

 Slowly breaking down.
Broken deep inside.
No one seems to realize
Just how often I have cried.

 Pounds are peeling off
Getting thinner all the while.
But you still dont see
Inside your world of denile.

 Slowly breaking down.
Wanting to stop the fight.
No one can ever know
I'll never be alright.

 Lying amidst broken glass
Screaming out in pain.
But you dont seem to notice
And my bleeding cuts remain

Pro-Ana Message Boards

I've written about pro-ana websites before.

As dangerous as those are I believe the thing that was MOST detrimental was my discovery of pro-ana message boards.

On a pro-ana website you are somewhat limited in the "support" you glean from the person that created the site. They rarely communicate directly with you. It's a one sided sort of relationship. You click and read and that's about it.

A message board is much more personal.

On a message board you get to know people. You get feedback for your posts. This isn't always healthy. Yes, if you decide that you want to go into recovery MOST people will cheer you on with comments like "you're so strong" and "I wish I could do that!"

But what if your post isn't about getting healthy? What if it's just the opposite?

Well you receive support for that too. Not in a "cheer you on" sort of fashion but in a "hey, it's okay" sort of way.

I remember reading where a girl admitted to purging in a car full of people. Her trick was that she feigned carsickness and put her head into a big black trashbag. A lot of the comments were along the lines of "I wish I were brave enough to do something like that." I'm not saying she should have been condemned...but she certainly didn't need applause.

The boards I belonged to didn't allow "tips" for legal reasons. However, I can tell you from experience that you can glean tips from reading someone else's experiences. Like with the above story, she didn't give a "tip" for purging in public but you can bet a dozen people read that and thought "That is so creative!" I did.

I will say I met a few good friends on that board. A couple I'm in touch with to this day. However, some of the meanest people I've EVER encountered were there. The anonymity of the internet combined with emotional issues makes for a bad time.

I was pretty tempted to head over to the board (where I still have access) and screenshot a few things to make my point. In the end, I couldn't do it for many reasons...
1) The board owner really doesn't like me. I'm sure she'd love to tear me apart over that.
2) Somewhere inside me I still have an emotional attachment to it. For a long time it was my safe place. When I felt like no one in the world understood me I could go there and know that at least one person did. If only it hadn't also been the place that fueled my disordered thinking at times...

Nowhere To Go

He had us parked in the parking lot of my church. I'd checked my cell when we drove up and discovered it was the single spot without service. Looking back I wonder if that was on purpose.

He had taken the keys out of the ignition and put them in his pocket. It's late so I have nowhere to run.

He told me when we drove up that we weren't leaving until we'd resolved things. Little did I know that meant we weren't leaving until he was satisfied with the conversation.

We alternated between him yelling at me and him sobbing with his head in my lap until I finally figured out what he wanted: Surrender.

I gave it to him. I sat and sobbed. I apologized (I don't remember for what anymore) and I told him we could try again. I was crying on the outside but on the inside I felt nothing.

We drove back eventually and the friend I was staying with was livid. She and her grandson had tried to call me several times, texted, and left messages. I didn't get them until we drove out hours later. Guilt rode me.


The next time it happened we were in broad daylight. Again, he picked a spot with no cell service. This time we were at a park that I'd never been to and couldn't have gotten home from...

People walked by frequently. Several times I entertained the thought of jumping out and running after someone and begging them to take me home. At the time I was sure I would have gotten in trouble for making a scene and embarrassing him. I'm sure he would have told my parents that I could have left at any time and he wasn't keeping me there against my will. He was, and it felt that way.


Incidents like this were a huge part of my eating disorder and self harm. I felt out of control and helpless most of the time. Controlling what I ate or my physical pain was the way I chose to cope.

Do you need to catch up? Click here for all of the posts in one place:

First Time For Everything

There are some firsts that you don't remember. Chances are that you don't remember your first word, your first step, or your first food. Your first day of school or your first crush are probably fuzzy.

There are some things I remember with startling clarity. Even though stress and sleep deprivation have taken several memories from me there are a few things that stick out.

I remember my first encounter with eating disorders. It was a magazine. Teen Magazine to be exact. They'd done an article where they interviewed girls with various EDs. Joshua Jackson was on the cover. I remember because I kept it for years out of some weird sentimental notion. I remember thinking "I like food too much to stop eating. There's no way I could make myself throw up. I hate throwing up." I remember feeling SORRY for these girls and knowing that I'd never succumb to that. Well I did a few months later.

My first encounter with self harm was also a magazine. That one doesn't stick out as clearly but it was around the same time. They'd interviewed a girl that was a recovering cutter. Her first cut was an accident if I recall correctly. Around the same time I knew a guy that drunkenly tried to commit suicide by cutting his arm open (the vein he could see was his goal). The next time I got overwhelmed with anxiety/depression/meltdown I remembered both of these things.

I also remember too clearly the first time I let my boyfriend hurt my soul. He'd found out that I'd fooled around with someone else BEFORE he and I became official (not something I'm proud of by any means but it's the truth). This was after we broke up and he called to confront me and ended up screaming at me through the phone. What he screamed isn't appropriate for this blog but it was profanity with a few degrading terms thrown in. I stood in my room and stared in my mirror and cried and nodded and AGREED WITH HIM because I still loved him. I relied on HIS feelings about me to determine how *I* felt about me.


There are some good firsts that I remember too. I remember the first time Stefan told me he loved me. I remember the first time I looked into his eyes and knew he didn't judge me for my past. Those are firsts that I'm glad I remember.


 Click here for all of the posts in one place

31 Days Intro

The next 30 days will be hard.

My prayer is that someone, somewhere, will feel touched or helped by my bits of story. I also hope that I can finally find healing through this. The wounds are old and mostly healed but still a bit tender.

Over this month you'll hear first hand accounts of what it's like to suffer from an eating disorder, WHY someone would feel the need to self hard, how I denied for so long that my relationship was unhealthy, and see the pain that I lived with every single day. It's a rare glimpse inside my head.

What is it like doing something like this? It's almost like an out of body experience. I have the memories from that period of time, but reading my journals and remembering feels like living in someone else's body. I am so far from that part of my life that reliving it isn't really reliving...it's like retelling a story.

There will be hurt feelings. There will be offenses taken. And just about every post will contain triggering material. But I know that when I was desperate to get healthy (and failed the first several times) I would have been ecstatic to come across a brutally honest account of these issues.

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. Carl Jung

One Size Fits Some

Parenting is not one size fits all.

What works for some parents won't work for you. What worked for your first kid probably won't work for the second.

I'm reminded of this so much with my two boys! They're very different. It might be birth order and it might be pure personality.

Franklin is an introvert. He plays well by himself and recharges by being ALONE.

Jonathan is an extrovert. He prefers to play with others and hates being alone.

This obviously creates conflict within THEIR relationship...but it's also hard for us as parents.

We talked about it yesterday. Sometimes I'll be playing with Jonathan (again) and notice Franklin sitting by himself and that Mommy Guilt kicks in..."Am I choosing favorites?" "Does Franklin think I don't' love him as much?" So I'll call out to Franklin, "Hey! Come play with me!" or "Come love on me!"

His response most of the time?

"No."

Why? Is it because he's mad at me? Nope, he's fine over in his own little bubble. He NEEDS that space to himself. I'm actually doing him a favor by keeping Jonathan away from him!

It's funny...but this is a prime example of what I'm talking about

Don't get me wrong, sometimes Franklin loves to cuddle. We cuddle to sleep at night. But I'm still learning how to meet his needs properly.

My Argument With God (the most recent one)

If God and I sat down and had an official discussion it would have gone something like this:

God: I have a blog idea for you. I know that you've had trouble coming up with new ones so I did it for you.

Me: Well thank you! What is it?

God: I want you to write about your past issues. Your eating disorder, your ex boyfriend, and your self harm.

Me: ......excuse me?

God: You haven't been able to get those things out of your head lately. They would be great tools for your book but I want you to blog about them.

Me: *silence*

God: You'll touch and save lives.

Me: *silence*

God: *silence*

Me: I can't. I just can't do it.

God: Yes, I'll help you.

Me: Nope.

God: This is what you're supposed to write about. You won't be able to come up with anything else until you do...and after a while your book will stall out as well. It will be cathartic AND helpful for someone.


That's how I imagine it would go anyway. How did it actually go? I got the feeling that I should write about these things and I ignored it...and then I hit writer's block all around.


So over the next few weeks I'll be doing several blogs covering several of these topics. I'll be including a lot of journal entries *gulp* and facts and links. Pray for me? This will be rough...