Pro-Ana Message Boards

I've written about pro-ana websites before.

As dangerous as those are I believe the thing that was MOST detrimental was my discovery of pro-ana message boards.

On a pro-ana website you are somewhat limited in the "support" you glean from the person that created the site. They rarely communicate directly with you. It's a one sided sort of relationship. You click and read and that's about it.

A message board is much more personal.

On a message board you get to know people. You get feedback for your posts. This isn't always healthy. Yes, if you decide that you want to go into recovery MOST people will cheer you on with comments like "you're so strong" and "I wish I could do that!"

But what if your post isn't about getting healthy? What if it's just the opposite?

Well you receive support for that too. Not in a "cheer you on" sort of fashion but in a "hey, it's okay" sort of way.

I remember reading where a girl admitted to purging in a car full of people. Her trick was that she feigned carsickness and put her head into a big black trashbag. A lot of the comments were along the lines of "I wish I were brave enough to do something like that." I'm not saying she should have been condemned...but she certainly didn't need applause.

The boards I belonged to didn't allow "tips" for legal reasons. However, I can tell you from experience that you can glean tips from reading someone else's experiences. Like with the above story, she didn't give a "tip" for purging in public but you can bet a dozen people read that and thought "That is so creative!" I did.

I will say I met a few good friends on that board. A couple I'm in touch with to this day. However, some of the meanest people I've EVER encountered were there. The anonymity of the internet combined with emotional issues makes for a bad time.

I was pretty tempted to head over to the board (where I still have access) and screenshot a few things to make my point. In the end, I couldn't do it for many reasons...
1) The board owner really doesn't like me. I'm sure she'd love to tear me apart over that.
2) Somewhere inside me I still have an emotional attachment to it. For a long time it was my safe place. When I felt like no one in the world understood me I could go there and know that at least one person did. If only it hadn't also been the place that fueled my disordered thinking at times...

Nowhere To Go

He had us parked in the parking lot of my church. I'd checked my cell when we drove up and discovered it was the single spot without service. Looking back I wonder if that was on purpose.

He had taken the keys out of the ignition and put them in his pocket. It's late so I have nowhere to run.

He told me when we drove up that we weren't leaving until we'd resolved things. Little did I know that meant we weren't leaving until he was satisfied with the conversation.

We alternated between him yelling at me and him sobbing with his head in my lap until I finally figured out what he wanted: Surrender.

I gave it to him. I sat and sobbed. I apologized (I don't remember for what anymore) and I told him we could try again. I was crying on the outside but on the inside I felt nothing.

We drove back eventually and the friend I was staying with was livid. She and her grandson had tried to call me several times, texted, and left messages. I didn't get them until we drove out hours later. Guilt rode me.


The next time it happened we were in broad daylight. Again, he picked a spot with no cell service. This time we were at a park that I'd never been to and couldn't have gotten home from...

People walked by frequently. Several times I entertained the thought of jumping out and running after someone and begging them to take me home. At the time I was sure I would have gotten in trouble for making a scene and embarrassing him. I'm sure he would have told my parents that I could have left at any time and he wasn't keeping me there against my will. He was, and it felt that way.


Incidents like this were a huge part of my eating disorder and self harm. I felt out of control and helpless most of the time. Controlling what I ate or my physical pain was the way I chose to cope.

Do you need to catch up? Click here for all of the posts in one place:

First Time For Everything

There are some firsts that you don't remember. Chances are that you don't remember your first word, your first step, or your first food. Your first day of school or your first crush are probably fuzzy.

There are some things I remember with startling clarity. Even though stress and sleep deprivation have taken several memories from me there are a few things that stick out.

I remember my first encounter with eating disorders. It was a magazine. Teen Magazine to be exact. They'd done an article where they interviewed girls with various EDs. Joshua Jackson was on the cover. I remember because I kept it for years out of some weird sentimental notion. I remember thinking "I like food too much to stop eating. There's no way I could make myself throw up. I hate throwing up." I remember feeling SORRY for these girls and knowing that I'd never succumb to that. Well I did a few months later.

My first encounter with self harm was also a magazine. That one doesn't stick out as clearly but it was around the same time. They'd interviewed a girl that was a recovering cutter. Her first cut was an accident if I recall correctly. Around the same time I knew a guy that drunkenly tried to commit suicide by cutting his arm open (the vein he could see was his goal). The next time I got overwhelmed with anxiety/depression/meltdown I remembered both of these things.

I also remember too clearly the first time I let my boyfriend hurt my soul. He'd found out that I'd fooled around with someone else BEFORE he and I became official (not something I'm proud of by any means but it's the truth). This was after we broke up and he called to confront me and ended up screaming at me through the phone. What he screamed isn't appropriate for this blog but it was profanity with a few degrading terms thrown in. I stood in my room and stared in my mirror and cried and nodded and AGREED WITH HIM because I still loved him. I relied on HIS feelings about me to determine how *I* felt about me.


There are some good firsts that I remember too. I remember the first time Stefan told me he loved me. I remember the first time I looked into his eyes and knew he didn't judge me for my past. Those are firsts that I'm glad I remember.


 Click here for all of the posts in one place

31 Days Intro

The next 30 days will be hard.

My prayer is that someone, somewhere, will feel touched or helped by my bits of story. I also hope that I can finally find healing through this. The wounds are old and mostly healed but still a bit tender.

Over this month you'll hear first hand accounts of what it's like to suffer from an eating disorder, WHY someone would feel the need to self hard, how I denied for so long that my relationship was unhealthy, and see the pain that I lived with every single day. It's a rare glimpse inside my head.

What is it like doing something like this? It's almost like an out of body experience. I have the memories from that period of time, but reading my journals and remembering feels like living in someone else's body. I am so far from that part of my life that reliving it isn't really reliving...it's like retelling a story.

There will be hurt feelings. There will be offenses taken. And just about every post will contain triggering material. But I know that when I was desperate to get healthy (and failed the first several times) I would have been ecstatic to come across a brutally honest account of these issues.

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. Carl Jung

One Size Fits Some

Parenting is not one size fits all.

What works for some parents won't work for you. What worked for your first kid probably won't work for the second.

I'm reminded of this so much with my two boys! They're very different. It might be birth order and it might be pure personality.

Franklin is an introvert. He plays well by himself and recharges by being ALONE.

Jonathan is an extrovert. He prefers to play with others and hates being alone.

This obviously creates conflict within THEIR relationship...but it's also hard for us as parents.

We talked about it yesterday. Sometimes I'll be playing with Jonathan (again) and notice Franklin sitting by himself and that Mommy Guilt kicks in..."Am I choosing favorites?" "Does Franklin think I don't' love him as much?" So I'll call out to Franklin, "Hey! Come play with me!" or "Come love on me!"

His response most of the time?

"No."

Why? Is it because he's mad at me? Nope, he's fine over in his own little bubble. He NEEDS that space to himself. I'm actually doing him a favor by keeping Jonathan away from him!

It's funny...but this is a prime example of what I'm talking about

Don't get me wrong, sometimes Franklin loves to cuddle. We cuddle to sleep at night. But I'm still learning how to meet his needs properly.

My Argument With God (the most recent one)

If God and I sat down and had an official discussion it would have gone something like this:

God: I have a blog idea for you. I know that you've had trouble coming up with new ones so I did it for you.

Me: Well thank you! What is it?

God: I want you to write about your past issues. Your eating disorder, your ex boyfriend, and your self harm.

Me: ......excuse me?

God: You haven't been able to get those things out of your head lately. They would be great tools for your book but I want you to blog about them.

Me: *silence*

God: You'll touch and save lives.

Me: *silence*

God: *silence*

Me: I can't. I just can't do it.

God: Yes, I'll help you.

Me: Nope.

God: This is what you're supposed to write about. You won't be able to come up with anything else until you do...and after a while your book will stall out as well. It will be cathartic AND helpful for someone.


That's how I imagine it would go anyway. How did it actually go? I got the feeling that I should write about these things and I ignored it...and then I hit writer's block all around.


So over the next few weeks I'll be doing several blogs covering several of these topics. I'll be including a lot of journal entries *gulp* and facts and links. Pray for me? This will be rough...

I get it...

It's something said a lot in church settings.

"You are a child of God."

"God is your Father."

But, honestly, I didn't TRULY understand what that meant.

When I fell away from God I got into the "I have to clean up my life before I can return" trap. I felt like I had to be GOOD ENOUGH for Him to truly love me.

My husband said to me, "That's the best part. None of us deserve it and none of us are truly good enough. He loves us anyway."

I accepted that and accepted Christ (again).

But now that I'm a parent with kids of my own I feel like I actually get it.

My kids aren't perfect. They are FAR from it! They make me angry daily. They disobey daily...sometimes hourly. And I still love them. I don't approve of their bad decisions, but it doesn't make me love them any less.

THAT is how God feels about us. We screw up daily...sometimes hourly! He gets angry with us. He doesn't approve of our bad decisions, but that doesn't mean he loves us any less!

House Cleaning Schedule!

Recently I developed my own house cleaning schedule. I got tired of living in disarray...It was driving me crazy.

Step one was I got on top of laundry! I seriously spent a day doing nothing but laundry. I didn't do anything else. I washed, dried, folded, and put away...all day long. It was a terrible day BUT it all got done.



The actual Schedule is as follows:

DAILY
- Laundry (1-2 loads....I'm serious)
- Dishes
- General Tidy (normally the kitchen with this one)
- Inventory food and add to shopping list
- Vacuum Living Room (it's high traffic here)

MONDAY: BATHROOMS
- Wipe tub (if you wipe it often enough you don't have to scour it!)
- Spray and wipe shower
- Clear counters
- Wipe counters and sink
- Wipe toilet (we have some of those Kaboom cleaners so the bowl stays pretty clean!)
- Pick up floor

TUESDAY: BEDROOM/LIVING ROOM
- Every 2 weeks wash sheets (some people do this more often but every 2 weeks works for me)
- Every 2 weeks wash comforters (do this on the week you're not washing sheets)
- Pick up floor
- Dust
- Gather trash
- Gather laundry
- Make beds

WEDNESDAY: KITCHEN/TRASH/DINING ROOM
- Gather trash throughout house
- Clean out fridge
- Scrub sink
- Clear/scrub counters
- Wipe cabinets
- Sweep
- Clear/wipe table
- Wipe chairs
- Wipe handles on appliances
- Trash out to can

THURSDAY: FLOORS
- Scrub (or at least spot scrub) kitchen/dining floor
- Vacuum all rooms
- Spot clean carpet if possible

FRIDAY: PROJECT DAY!
A project is anything you can work on in small bites throughout the day. Things like
- Cleaning out a closet
- Organizing cabinets
- Organizing boxes
- Going through clothing
Etc...

SATURDAY: ERRAND/FAMILY DAY
This is the day we do all of our shopping and do something fun if possible (like the zoo or park)

SUNDAY: CHURCH/REST/ERRANDS
If you've kept up with your schedule you should be able to do the basics and then RELAX!!


What do you think? Do you have a cleaning schedule?


Linking up

Does Your Reflection Show Your Love?

I avoid the mirror.

It's a habit from when I was a teenager and deep into my eating disorder. I still have a distorted view of my body (I see fat where there isn't any) so the habit is still there. It might be a little amusing to watch me spend time in the bathroom and only look in the mirror once or twice.

I need this.

I know a lot of people feel that children reflect their parents' parenting. (Sometimes I hope that's not true because my son is a typical 3 year old!!) This morning he parroted something that I didn't like to hear. Jonathan (18mo) dumped out a baggie of crackers. This is typical for him and his general age group (just an FYI to new parents: 12mo-24mo is a lot of dumping) I asked them to pick them up and put them back in the bag. As I walked away to get some water I hear Franklin say, "It's you fault, Jonathan."
I froze.
He wasn't being ugly about it. He was very matter of fact. I calmly asked him to repeat what he said to make sure I heard right (this was before coffee...I mishear all sorts of fun things before coffee) He did. I did.
My heart broke a little bit. Is that how he hears me? Have I said that to him? Maybe he heard it on a show... Is he a reflection of how much I love them?

2 Corinthians 3:18 says Our faces, then, are not covered. We all show the Lord's glory, and we are being changed to be like him. This change in us brings ever greater glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. (NCV)

The King James puts it this way:
But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.

We're supposed to be a reflection of God's love. Just like we want our children to reflect our love for them. Sometimes, especially on Facebook, I see so many Christians being downright hateful. Jesus loved everyone. He didn't APPROVE of everyone, but he sure loved them. I think that we forget that sometimes. Loving someone and showing them the love of Christ isn't the same as showing them approval of their behavior...but it's hard to be loving and condemn someone to hell in the same breath (or comment box).

Linking up

I Don't Have Faith In Myself

This morning I was lying awake (I do that) and thinking about all of the things I wanted to get done today. I kept thinking "I can't do everything" and trying to prioritize. At one point I thought, "Why don't I have faith in myself to get it all done?"

That's when it hit me.

Source

Duh. Trying to have faith in MYSELF is why I haven't been able to succeed.

I'm not supposed to have faith in myself to get things done; I'm supposed to have faith that God will give me the strength and tools to get things done.

By trying to focus on faith in myself I was basically telling God that I didn't need Him and I'd figure it out on my own.

Yeah...you can see how well THAT'S going!


So if you've been trying to figure something out and feel like you're hitting a wall...stop and pray. I have a bit more peace about the situation knowing that *I* don't have to be in charge! That's my prayer for you: Peace.